The Remote Report: Cleveland Browns Preseason Superlatives!

Hey, Browns fans! It’s late July. You know what that means: pack up your tents and bug spray, because camp is starting around the NFL.

Every team and every player comes into camp with their own set of questions, their own set of things to work on, and their own set of goals for the upcoming season. Similarly, the majority of fans are in the same type of boat. We have questions like “Who will be the most improved defensive back?” or “Will players come back healthy after being banged up last year?” or “Is Ahtyba Rubin’s body too bootylicious?”

Lucky for you, I have scored some inside information from Berea and learned some of the superlatives that have been given out after a team poll was taken this morning.*

Most likely to retain fan favorite status, barring an unseemly injury: Joe Haden

This is a no-brainer, as I’ve written about before. Browns fans love him, he loves Browns fans, and he plays good football. Fingers crossed that he finds himself in Hawaii, or wherever that fake game of good players is taking place this season.

Most likely to tweet a picture of someone in the locker room while accidentally including a naked teammate: Greg Little

Greg Little is a pretty solid tweeter these days. He gets after it and really enjoys snapping a nice Instagram photo here and there, so keep your eyes peeled for a little more than you bargained for while the team is in camp. As luck would have it, I don’t think there are filters to blur our genitals on Instagram. Yet.

Most likely to not make news: Joe Thomas

Yawn. Go get yourself another Pro Bowl season, you monster.

Least likely to read this article: Trent Richardson

The dude is 22, has the weight of a passionate fan base on his shoulders, looks like he works out for 21 hours per day, and has to chase around his two daughters. He does not have time to give half a fart about what I’m typing. I kind of like that about him. Also, I bet his daughters are adorable and could beat me up.

Most likely to write a brilliant screenplay: John Hughes

Okay, this one was mostly a joke. Scott Fujita should win this one because he’s going to have a hell of a lot of time on his hands.

Most likely to consume another living human being: Tie, Phil Taylor and Trent Richardson

Phil Taylor actually merits the win for this one for two separate reasons, it seems. First of all, when he’s healthy, he destroys people in such a way that he might as well be eating them. Secondly, he’s about 335 pounds and looks like he could calmly eat a pound or 12 of anything.

Richardson is in this discussion for two reasons as well. First, just like Taylor, he will annihilate people in the most cannibalistic of ways. Second reason here is that he’s in such phenomenal shape that his metabolism can process roughly 18,000 calories per day (according to a report I just made up). I’m pretty sure that with that kind of body type, he could overeat and go for something closer to a day of 30,000 calories, which I suspect could be a nice-sized chunk of human.

And finally, Most likely 28-year-old in his first year on the team to surprise the crap out of you: Frostee Rucker

Curve ball! Weeden’s fun and all, but Rucker has a way cooler first name, and that’s going to surprise you in some way, even if it’s something like him getting a sack and then you giggling because his name is Frostee Rucker. I mean, I just really like saying Frostee Rucker all the time. He sounds like a street baller or a dairy shack.

There you have it, folks. This is a definitive list of what’s going on in camp this summer with your Cleveland Browns. So you can go ahead and stop worrying about everything – I’ve taken care of it. And trust me, it’s all dead-on, factual, great information.