God Hates the Cleveland Browns

I am not a religious man, but if there is anything to make me believe that there might be a spiteful God, it would be the Cleveland Browns.

This is not, simply, an unlucky organization. This is a team that has scorned a higher being to the point that It/He/She has decided to bring terrible vengeance upon it.

The overwhelming evidence of this came this week in the form of owner Jimmy Haslam’s company, Pilot Flying J, being raided by the FBI. As it turns out, the feds apparently have some overwhelming evidence that proves Haslam has been committing fraud for a number of years, ripping off customers through a bogus rebates program.

The investigation is certainly ongoing, but it’s hard to see this ending well. While the NFL is not currently asking Haslam to step down from being the owner of the Browns, things will get dicey if this situation continues to move forward.

Haslam came to Cleveland with the image of being a guy who understood the plight of the common man, despite probably having a Scrooge McDuck-like room in his home where he swam in gold coins. He sat with fans in the stands. He spoke candidly about the team! How could he forsake us?

Because a malevolent God knew this man was about to be taken down by the FBI and gleefully paired him with the Cleveland Browns.

It’s the only way to explain it, because this franchise deserves a break – any kind of break. How about a first-round pick that mind-blowingly exceeds expectations? Or a coach whose system works out? How about just a .500 record?

In the NFL, the league is designed for teams to fall backwards into good seasons and great players. You either have to be incredibly stupid or haunted by a demon Lord to fail.

I’ll take the demon Lord.

It’s hard to fault Haslam because he is a billionaire and, you know, you should kind of expect most of them to be fairly shady. Instead, fault the person who wronged this God so much that it was decided that the Browns should be treated like an eternal wasteland of expectations, hopes and dreams.

Jimmy Haslam was supposed to be the team’s savior.

Who is left to save it now?






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  • ulfur

    I think the Cleveland Browns curse started when the then owner of the team would not let Jim Brown show up late to preseason training camp so he could go to Hollywood and make a movie. Jim Brown is the wrong man to cross. He chose to retire early at the peek of his career. The Browns have not won an NFL championship since Jim Brown left.

    The 1960′s was a very bad time for race relations. Black folks were making demands that had never been tolerated before. Rich white men were not used to being told anything by a black man, much less one they considered hired help. So the Browns owner let the best running back in the history of the NFL walk at the peek of his career because he wanted a little time off to make a movie, that by the way was a historic event in movie race relations. Jim Brown had the first interracial movie love scene with a white movie star, Rachel Welch.

    This curse my be so strong because it is connected to the curse of the “white man’s burden”. Arrogance precedes a fall, and that owner was very arrogant. He was also on the wrong side of history. Unfortunately, we Browns fans have been paying the price ever since. We need salvation in Cleveland.

    • http://www.arrowheadaddict.com Patrick Allen

      Interesting theory. At this point, I’d believe anything.


    I’m ready to believe, if only I believed, that the non-existent sky fairy hates the Cleveland Browns. My only really plausiblel option here is to believe that the fat little fuckfaced elf awakened Cthulhu when he signed an unholy covenant with the officials who run Charm(less) City, and by the time the beast had arisen from the mud of Lake Erie, Art(less) was gone, leaving only innocent Clevelanders to bear the brunt of Cthulhu’s wrath…