Browns: Announce Josh Gordon Knucklehead Doll Day!


Mandatory Credit: Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

First of all, let me clearly declare for those that don’t understand sarcasm, that the title of this post is just that – sarcasm. The Browns haven’t really announced a Josh Gordon knucklehead doll day, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a great idea. Where as the novelty of the bobblehead doll is quickly wearing off, the smell of dank weed has yet to dissipate from Gordon’s clothing and the interior of his Porsche. The knucklehead doll, can even come with one of those pulls strings on the back to give insight into some of the conversations going on in the Gordon camp. You know, some of the most commonly heard phrases such as:

  • “Five Oh! Swallow it!”
  • “Awww man, I thought that  mandatory drug test was at three A.M.
  • “I don’t know Greg, I catch the ball better when I smoke.”
  • “Yeah, let me get 17 taco supremes, and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

And inspired by the great Thurgood Jenkins of David Chappelle, Half Baked, fame…

  • “I don’t do drugs, only weed.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to kick a guy when he’s down. I really tried hard not to address this issue. Like anyone who is really trying to manage their anger, I even waited over a week in an effort to let my emotions subside so I could look at the Gordon issue with a different perspective, but in the end, the depth of the dumbness overtook my sense of reason. The Browns front office is doing a great job of downplaying the prospect of losing Gordon for the year, but let’s be honest. Before they started brainwashing us into believing that Gordon’s production will be easily replaced, we were enraged. We finally signed the Cy Young award winner only to have him get his arm ripped off in a freakish accident involving a Miss America wave, a bus full of adoring fans, an ill-timed burst of wind and a seagull. We finally won the NBA draft lottery and signed the next Michael Jordan who just for good measure grew up twenty minutes from Cleveland only to have him take his talents to South Beach, uh, err, wait a minute, that actually happened. Thanks Bron. We finally had the pieces in place to field a dominating offense and defense – for exactly 22 hours. Then…no Sir! You may not have that excitement because I, Josh Gordon, am obsessed with smoking this plant.

That’s right. A sticky icky plant has replaced the Ravens and Steelers as the Browns biggest nemesis. In the past, we feared seeing the Browns top receiver getting smoked by a member of the Steel Curtain, now we fear the Browns top receiver getting smoked out at an Iron Skillet. In years past, we tried to figure out how to beat Bettis, Lewis and Reed, now it’s Maui Wowee, Chronic and Weed. But I guess there’s good news in this scenario. As Browns fans we no longer have to feel that level of anxiety that comes with knowing that deep down that the other team has more talent, because with Gordon combined with the rest of the roster, for the first time in a long time, they don’t. We have nothing to fear but fear itself and the bong. That’s right, don’t fear the sword, fear the bong, because in the end it may very well be the reason why the Browns don’t win the division and make a run in the playoffs.

Personally, I wish the NFL and NFLPA would do more to help their addicted players. Punishing players with suspensions and lost wages sometimes just isn’t enough. These young men need to step outside of themselves and be empowered to make decisions that will make a true change in their lives. Playing a sport for a living is a privilege. Losing that privilege may not seem like a reality to these young men until they are able to see what it’s like to work a job that isn’t a childhood game. Don’t just impose sanctions and then alienate these guys from their team making them more vulnerable to the world of knuckleheads from which they came. Require them to choose a community service in an area that offers addiction treatment and community service in exchange for a chance to play again. Imagine Josh Gordon in the midst of a village helping those people with their day-to-day task, not to catch a ball or a buzz, but to find food to eat and clean water to drink, away from the knuckleheads, spirit growing, eyes opening. Then imagine him after a year of that, sober, new perspective, stepping onto the field a new man, changed by his experience. Then imagine that cord on his back. Pull it, and hear those sweet words…

  • “All Pro”
  • “Superbowl MVP”
  • “Hall of Famer”
  • “Mentor”
  • “Hero”

It may sound corny, but I believe in Josh Gordon. I have worked many years with addicts, and based on that experience and watching my father drink himself into the grave at the young age of 58, what Josh Gordon needs now is a kick in the, you know what, and a giant dose of reality. He needs the people who love him to step up and intervene. Then he needs to shut up and listen. He needs to seek out someone like Chris Carter, who said in no uncertain terms, that he is there to offer his help when Josh decides to ask. He also needs his fans, us, the people who will adore him when he catches touchdown passes, to root for him just as hard to get the help he needs to change his life. I stand with him. I’ll pray for him. I’ll kick him in the you know what, because telling someone what they need to hear, as opposed to what they want to hear, is hallmark of friendship. Josh, get away from the knucklehead, users who are smoking weed with you in your car. Grow a pair! Step up, young man! We’ve got a Superbowl to win. We believe in you. Now stop the crap and do what it takes. Who is with me? Josh?