How to talk to your child about the Cleveland Browns
By Mike Lukas
Children are naturally curious and ask a lot of brutally honest questions, so parents who are also Browns fans need to be prepared.
Young minds tend to confront the parts of life that make no sense to them, and there is nothing less logical than rooting for the Cleveland Browns.
As a Browns fan since 1972 and a father since 2009, it occurred to me that at some point, my two young children are going to realize their Dad’s favorite NFL team has been predominantly lousy and they’re gonna want some answers.
Thought I’d get a step ahead here and prep myself for the eventual day when one of my dear babes will want to know exactly why I’m now (and forever will be) sweet on the hapless Cleveland Browns.
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Here’s my best stab at predicting those awkward kid questions and the answers I plan to give.
“Um, Dad, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, kiddo, whaddya wanna know?”
“There are 32 teams in the NFL, so how come you picked the Cleveland Browns?”
“You mean ‘cause they’re not so good right now?”
“Yeah, now and ever since I was a baby.”
“So, you’re wondering why they’re still my team?”
“Yeah, like why don’t you pick one that doesn’t make you scream at the TV?”
“Oh, that’s just Daddy giving advice.”
“But they can’t hear you.”
*muttering* “Obviously, or they’d target OBJ a whole lot more.”
“But why did you pick the Cleveland Browns to cheer for, Daddy?”
“Well, hon, you have to understand, that happened when I was your age back in the mid 1900’s. It wasn’t like nowadays. Football fans didn’t pick their favorite team because they were already in first place or because the color of the uniform matched their favorite pair of socks. It was based on something way more important – where your parents made you live.”
“That’s dumb.”
“It gets worse. We only had three TV channels back then so on Sundays during football season they’d only show two games all day”
“Nuh uh.”
“Oh yeah. And one of those games was always your home team, so that’s the team you’d root for. Mine was the Browns.”
“Were they ever any good?”
“Actually, at one point they were the best team in the league.”
“Wow, cool.”
*muttering* “Over half a century ago before the Super Bowl and Tom Brady were invented.”
“Daddy, how come the Browns’ uniforms are orange?”
“Back in the old days, orange was considered the best color in the world.”
“For real?”
“No, I’m joking, sweetie. They actually chose orange and brown because they look good in the snow.”
“Daddy, how come the Browns don’t win more games?”
“It’s complicated, but last season it came down to too many penalties early on, horrible game-planning that underutilized our play makers plus a sub-par front line that had trouble pass protecting and staying healthy.”
“Huh?”
“They have to play better.”
“Daddy, will the Browns be good this year?”
“Absolutely.”
“For real?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. Nobody knows, kid, except Jim Donovan. A lot of things have to happen first.”
“Like what?”
“Like Baker Mayfield and Odell Beckham and Jarvis Landry have to return to form and the Browns need to find talented tackles and a safety and some linebackers in free agency and the draft, plus the new leadership has to quickly form a winning identity that the entire team can wrap their skills around.”
“Huh?”
“They have to play better.”
“Will you still root for the Browns this year, even if they’re bad again?”
“Of course.”
“But why?”
“It’s hard to explain. But you know how once in awhile your mommy doesn’t like one of my jokes and I have to sleep on the couch ’til morning but by dinnertime she and I are back in love again?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, the Browns are kinda like that couch – bumpy and uncomfortable but way better than the Bengals.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Kid, being a true football fan is about picking a team and then sticking with them no matter what.”
“Even if they stink?”
“Especially if they stink. That way when they finally win the Super Bowl you get to celebrate like you were actually on the roster.”
“Daddy, you think the Browns will ever win the Super Bowl?”
“Sure they will. It’s only a matter of time.”
Silence.
*muttering* “Course, I’ll probably be dead by then.”
“Huh?”
“I said I’ll be a Browns fan ‘til the day I die.”
“Like how you and mommy are ’til death do you part?”
“Except she and I can always get a divorce, but me and the Browns are forever. Hee hee.”
*from the other room* “I heard that!”
Silence.
“Mommy didn’t like your joke, Daddy.”
“Nope. Better grab a blanket and pillow for the couch.”
dark. Next. Browns best 3rd round picks since 1999
“Bumpy and uncomfortable but way better than the Bengals, right Daddy?”
“You got it, kid. Go Browns.”
“Go Browns.”