2015 NFL Draft: Why the Cleveland Browns draft terrifies me

I didn’t just like this year’s Cleveland Browns draft – I loved it. My wife can verify I clocked the top two picks – not just positions, but the Danny Shelton/Cameron Erving exacta.

And that’s what scares the hell out of me.

Last time I felt this way? April 2012 when the Browns picked the top three guys I lusted after: Trent Richardson, Brandon Weeden and Mitchell Schwartz. As this year’s post-draft euphoria wears off, just what was I thinking back then?

Trent Richardson: Who cares if ‘Bama running backs are interchangeable commodities? Or if we had to trade three additional choices to move up one spot? Or his injury history – this guy could be the next Leroy Kelly or at least Mike Pruitt – small-footed, low-center-of-gravity mudder to convert 3rd and 3 in the AFC North.

Just ask Colts’ fans. Fleecing Indy for a No. 1 was easily the best Joe Banner/Mike Lombardi decision. Wish T-Rich well with da’ Raiders, seems like a good kid. And no matter how our extra pick – that Johnny Manziel kid- turns out, it gave our fans the buzz boost we needed.

Brandon Weeden: What a steal – not some baby-faced college kid but a “mature,” almost 30-year-old man who earned his pro athlete bona fides riding minor league busses. Who cares that he played in Okie State’s spread or if he couldn’t read defenses? We got our “cut through the Lake Erie wind” rocket-armed strapper who beat Ryan Tannehill, RGIII and Andrew Luck in one college season!

While they’re not all Academic All-Americans, this year’s draftees are mostly “high character” guys and the Browns Employee Assistance Program is likely tapped out at this point.

Didn’t take long for Browns’ fans to figure out what Weeden learned pitching in the bushes – throw a gopher ball, lose a game, no big deal, we’ll get ‘em tomorrow. And who can forget not one, but multiple desperation underhand tosses – and those were some of his better passes. Weeden might win off the bench with no game planning required. Just swap the ballcap for a helmet and start chucking it around. But Cowboy fans better hope Tony Romo answers the bell for all 16…

Mitchell Schwartz: What’s not to like? Cal-Berkeley student-athlete like Alex Mack, matching bookend for Joe Thomas and a proud Bar Mitzvah boy!

I’m admittedly wearing my “Sandy Koufax didn’t pitch on Yom Kippur” goggles, but Schwartz hasn’t been that bad – if you don’t count run-of-the-mill pass rushers blowing by him to turn 2nd and 4 into 3rd and 14 a couple of times a game. The Browns have done a lot worse at right tackle: Tony Pashos, Roger Chanoine, Barry Darrow, Joe Taffoni …

But I’m still jazzed about this year’s draft crop – but if past history predicts future results, one pick will retire before September, another guy will suffer some “non-football” illness, and a third will be conscripted into the military – not ours, but some Jeopardy-answer nation’s.

Dwight Clark, Butch Davis and Pete Garcia, Phil Savage, Mike Holmgren, Banner, Eric Mangini – all had their “plans” and/or “their guys.” Ray Farmer’s draft differs, reflecting he actually watched last year’s games (at least when he wasn’t texting). Our homey Brian Hoyer shares blame for the winnable Houston and Buffalo losses, and we would have shut out Indy if he had just stayed home in North Olmstead. Truth is the season went south when Mack got carted off and the depleted D-line ran out of gas in December. making Shelton and Erving must-haves.

More from Dawg Pound Daily

Farmer tuned out all the “can’t believe you didn’t draft a wideout” white noise because Andrew Hawkins and Taylor Gabriel actually caught the ball, even Travis Benjamin made some plays. We’ve replaced Miles Austin with the Brian Hartline/Dwayne Bowe two-fer, and does anyone miss hands-of-stone Greg Little?

Call 2015 our Allstate or Nationwide (or hometown Progressive) draft. Buying insurance doesn’t get our consumer juices flowing like spending on a big flat screen, but there’s a reason why you need it to drive a car or own a home. Farmer’s draft protects us from Cleveland’s inevitable natural disasters – cue Thomas’ consecutive game streak. Plus, while they’re not all Academic All-Americans, this year’s draftees are mostly “high character” guys and the Browns Employee Assistance Program is likely tapped out at this point.

Lastly, did anyone really want to trade our future (and that’s all we Browns fan ever have) to move up for Jameis Winston or Marcus Mariota? I had a Cleveland man-crush on Hoyer, but we probably saw his ceiling, and his floor fell below Weeden-like depths.

Right now, Farmer and head coach Mike Pettine are looking at the following when it comes to the quarterback situation:

Odds are Josh McCown’s somewhere in the middle between good and bad.
Rehab works if you work it, and JFF did made some magic at A&M.
“Don’t sleep on Connor Shaw”

So Browns fans, rest easy for now – just like when that big double-stuffed insurance policy envelope fills your mailbox. But make sure to read the fine print, auto-pay the premiums, keep it handy atop your in-basket. These are the Cleveland Browns, ultra-high risk on any actuarial table.

We’re draft day disaster victims, seems like almost every year since we traded Paul Warfield for the rights to Mike Phipps in 1970. And like insurance hassles for the most minor fender bender, when you have to file a claim, you just know it’s not going to be covered.

What do you think of the Browns draft? Did they finally get it right?

Next: How the AFC North Graded Out in the Draft

Home/Browns News