I just cannot get a certain Fagg out of my head. De’Cody Fagg, that is. Upon hearing of his career-ending injury, I felt this calling to find out where his name ranks among the best. What’s not surprising is that De’Cody has one of the best names in history of mankind. What is surprising is that there are many, many names that are just as valuable an asset to their owners as De’Cody’s.
At least Mr. Fagg will be remembered for something, because his status among “The Best Names Ever” looks to be solidified, even if he never plays a single down in the NFL (heck, that might make him a better anecdote). For the rest of eternity, Fagg will be remembered with greats such as B.J. Johnson (a wide receiver – the embedded jokes get better and better), Danny Shittu (a Nigerian soccer player), Harry Colon (was a safety in the NFL), Lucious Pusey (a linebacker who unfortunately changed his name to Lucious Seymour), and Misty Hyman (an Olympic swimmer). More importantly, he will forever be considered among the even better names, such as:
Dick Pole – He was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox and the Seattle Mariners in the 1970s, giving him the ideal porn name in an era when porn was thought to be pretty groovy.
Pete LaCock – An outfielder and first baseman for the Chicago Cubs and Kansas City Royals from 1972 to 1980, Pete’s last name adds a bit of dignified, French-like flavor to a great alternative to “penis,” making him especially entertaining to pronounce.
Gregor Fucka – a Yugoslavian basketball player playing for the Lottomatica Roma of Italy. In a separate window on my computer, I have an airline’s website opened, and two plane tickets are waiting to be purchased for Italy just so I can yell, “Hey you, Fucka!” without drawing the ire of offended parents.
Urban Shocker – Played professional baseball from 1916 to 1928. If you know anything about derogatory hand gestures, then you are currently chuckling to yourself.
Chubby Cox – He only played in seven total games for the Washington Bullets of the NBA, scoring a total of 29 points. After a successful college career, it is tough to cope with failure at a higher level. I could have said something here like “We could all use some more Cox in our lives,” but I didn’t because I didn’t want to go down that road.
And last but not least,
Rusty Kuntz – This needs no elaboration.
The Browns have also been graced with a player whose name evokes such immaturity from men that ridiculous posts like these become fun. That player was running back Ben Gay, and, naturally, his name made me laugh seven years ago when I was just about to enter high school. The sad, or wonderful (however you want to spin it) part about it is that it’s still funny. How long, Ben? How long you Ben Gay? It seemed like that was the joke that would never die.
And the madness doesn’t stop with just individual names. Sports teams all over the world have been blessed with some ridiculous names. There is a team out there called the Butte County High School Pirates, making them the Butte Pirates for short. Additionally, there is a Norwegian soccer team simply known as “Fart.” From what I hear, they’ve been silent all season, but are looking to make some noise in the playoffs. Too easy, right?
What do you expect? My high school’s team name was the Riverside Beavers, and you can imagine the fun we had with the nicknames for our swimming team. I was born to enjoy the likes of Rusty Kuntz and Chubby Cox. And thankfully, because of this eternal desire by sports fans to revel in the games’ great names, De’Cody Fagg will never be forgotten. I think that will make me sleep just a little bit better at night.
These are by no means all of the best names that exist in the world of sports. Additional classics such as Johnny Dickshot, Dick Trickle, and Ron Tugnutt all hold a special place in sports fans’ hearts. Try and find some for yourself; after all, that’s just half the fun. The other half is giggling like a prepubescent boy upon telling your friend you found a guy with a name like Johnny Peepee, which doesn’t seem too far from reality.