Browns Players Are Getting New Jobs: Scouting Reports

Last week, the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of the NFL’s owners, granting them permission to continue their glorious two-month lockout. Our beloved Browns players can’t work, and maybe it’s time they started looking at the want-ads.

These guys need their paychecks, especially since according to them, they’re suffering irreparable harm without them. So what if the players just up and decided to all go out and get new jobs?

What if they walked right into Roger Goodell’s office and said, “Forget you silly man, we’re taking this, to the streets.” — (To be pronounced “this” with sass, pointing to their rear-ends, but in a way that’s meant to imply their talents, while turning around and strutting out the door).

Got to give them that; football players are citizens of talent. They play one of the hardest games in the world, so it stands to reason they’d all be able to apply their god given skills somewhere else in the real world right? For fun, here’s a few scouting reports of select Browns players in their new careers.

Colt McCoy – Paperboy
Scouting Report

• Pros: Was able to learn his new paper route on his own, very quickly. Has a firm command of the side alleys and hot corners. Handles the handlebars with poise. Makes quick decisions when he can’t see an address. Is mobile when he hops off his bike and rolls out over a yard. Has the charisma to charm a granny whose window he just broke. Is willing to fold a paper over to an article he thinks a certain customer will find amusing. Has character. Is comfortable leading his fellow paper boys through their routes. Will audible to a subscription renewal insert when needed. Is good around dogs.
• Cons: Needs to work on riding his bike in cold weather and through sprinklers. Has trouble controlling his paper toss in high wind. Can’t hit the porch on a house with a big yard. Would benefit from a slingshot. Is smaller and may be better suited for a kid’s bike. Doesn’t fall often but when he does, has a tendency to get injured and miss houses. Is more comfortable in nice neighborhoods. Is more confident sky-hooking a paper over his body than he is flipping it out curbside.

Peyton Hillis – Model
Scouting Report

• Pros: Has cover model experience. Is comfortable in front of the camera and on film as well. No fear, can get through any photo-shoot. Tough. Never gets cold, never complains. Can handle demanding high action takes, or soft gentle ones. Strikes a pose. Works well with animals and furs. Can handle a heavy workload, 25-35 shoots per day if needed.
• Cons: Is bulky and hard to squeeze in the frame with other models. Will drop the camera if you ask him to hold it for a minute. Has a tendency to knock over production assistants and makeup artists if they are in his way. An effective lead model, but would be better served with a complimentary character to balance out his scenes. Has a tendency to scare the crew.

Joe Haden – Mascot
Scouting Report

• Pros: A completely polished prospect, already owns full Indians and Cavs outfits. Erases the other teams best mascot. Displays fluid hips in and out of trampoline acts. Great balance and diction. Experienced with a t-shirt gun. Explodes into his flips and cartwheels. A natural break dancer. Animated and loveable.  Sure tackler, loves to get after drunk fans who run on the field. Above average hands, even in big fluffy gloves.
• Cons: Undersized, can be overpowered by larger drunk fans. Lacks top end speed needed for racing giant foam hotdogs. Afraid of fire. His earrings have been known to get tangled in his costumes. Struggles when driving small carts or cars. Doesn’t use great technique when dancing in groups, tends to rely on his athleticism. Refuses to taunt opposing team’s best players. Would have benefited from a second year at mime school.

Jake Delhomme – Walmart Greeter
Scouting Report

• Pros: Perfect fit in this system due to his age and physical limitations. Wise and experienced. Knows what it takes to make manager and is willing to mentor other employees. No longer fit to work the stock room or cash registers, but enjoys being part of the team and helping out. Willing to stack shopping carts if needed. Can dish out tons of “welcomes,” when he finds a rhythm. Likes to wear aprons. Very friendly when things are going his way.
• Cons: Zero mobility, cannot move laterally to welcome shoppers coming through different doors. Weak. Can’t use his arm to wave or shake anyone’s hand. Has a bad sense of direction, tends to just send customers off the wrong way. Makes bad gift suggestions under pressure. Can’t stand for long periods of time. Has trouble finishing a typical half-day shift without getting hurt. Is wild and unpredictable when venturing outside. If one rude customer yells at him to get out of the way, he tends to lose confidence quickly. Scares children. Is too old to drive his own car to work. Will drop any inventory item you hand him. Seems to be lying on the floor every time you check on him. A guaranteed worker’s compensation claim.

Other possibilities

Joe Thomas – Secret Service Agent
Quick Read

• Pros: A human wall who can stone and subdue any close quarter attacker.
• Cons: Has endurance issues and is not suited to jog behind limos or town cars.  

Josh Cribbs – Casino Host
Quick Read

• Pros: A brilliant representative who would work well in a facility that’s open 24-7.
• Cons: Despite his immense charm, it’s hard to shake the feeling that at the end of the day he’s there to steal your money.

Reggie Hodges – Bible Salesman
Quick Read

• Pros: Is obsessed with Jesus and is a huge fan of quoting the good book.
• Cons: Is obsessed with Jesus and is a huge fan of quoting the good book.

Phil Dawson – G.E. Smith Entourage Coordinator
Quick Read

• Pros: Has a long standing relationship with G.E., and has experience doing a great job at something that isn’t very important.
• Cons: Often demands special attention; pouts when he isn’t allowed to stand on stage and shake his maraca.

Phil Taylor – Pedicurist
Quick Read

• Pros: Has large hands and an intimate knowledge of how to keep foot conditions under control.
• Cons: Do you really want this guy touching your feet?

Eric Wright – Human Shield
Quick Read

• Pros: Nobody has more experience being targeted and shot at all day.
• Cons: Tends to get and lost in coverage and just stand there during the action. 

Scott Fujita – Mayor of a small town
Quick Read

• Pros: A natural leader with a head of hair no opposing candidate could match.
• Cons: Would be mayor of a large town if he was still in his prime.