Cleveland Browns fans need no longer fear the horrors of snow

Dec 15, 2013; Cleveland, OH, USA; A general view of FirstEnergy Stadium before a game against the Chicago Bears and the Cleveland Browns. Mandatory Credit: Ron Schwane-USA TODAY Sports

First Energy Stadium was the site of a tragedy this past Sunday; an attack on our very way of life.  No, it had nothing to do with what was happening on the field.  Sure, the stadium looks innocent enough, but this was the location of a sinister plot to terrorize unsuspecting fans and it took place in the stands.  This was not merely a football game.  Nay, this veritable football gulag was the front in the ever evolving war on terror.  Their weapon of choice? Snow!  Yes, snow- try to avoid over gasping!  Cleveland is a city that is all too familiar with the horrors of snow.  Sure, it looks innocent enough; some might call it an attractive nuisance.  Those people would be wrong.  Snow, to those who know the truth, is often referred to as white death and this city is not about to be insulted by having a small amount of this deceptively deadly substance on the ground in an outdoor venue in December.

The idea that the Browns did not clear the stadium of this plague is an injustice that simply cannot stand.  Defenders might call it negligence; others, a willful act of harm against the citizens of the region.  Thankfully, there were a few journalists who would not be silenced.  These champions of the people, in the face of inclement weather, made sure to not only inform the public about this, but forced the team’s management group who never saw them coming to apologize for this travesty.  The death count is currently at zero, but it is ready to shoot right up at any moment.  There are no indications that the Browns will be forced to pay for pain and suffering caused by this situation, but they certainly should!

A pair of media members who cover the team made sure this outrage of snow not being cleared off of the seats did not go unnoticed.

I don’t use the word ‘hero’ often, but Pat McManamon is a hero.  Thankfully, this glorified detention center had been upgraded enough for him to get this potentially lifesaving tweet out to complain about it.  Sources close to the situation inform Dawg Pound Daily that McManamon was outraged as he made his way to a heated and catered press box and had to be restrained to go off and fight the good fight, throwing himself in the line of fire for fans and putting his arm on these seats and sliding them across the seat in a wiping motion, thereby pushing the snow off of the seat them across the seats to spare victims the horror.  This, this is why ESPN had to make sure they secured his services.

Anyone familiar with Cleveland and the Browns knew that if a situation like this happened, veteran reporter and part time patriot Tony Grossi would not be far away from the situation.  In his column, If I owned the Browns…, he said the following:

"If I owned the Browns …I would apologize for not having every seat in FirstEnergy Stadium cleaned of snow and ice."

God bless you, sir.  It is an absolute shame that you had to take time away from informing the public about the dangers of not having a fullback and how the draft class has not had anyone make an impact this season.  Word is upon reading these words, the people in charge of the Pulitzer Prize were to tears and are currently falling all over each other to reward this investigative and most importantly accurate reporting.  Sources at  the Plain Dealer have confirmed that the newspaper has never regretted losing the reporter more than now.  A shot has been fired across the bow, Mr. Haslam; consider yourself lucky you don’t have a Twitter account.

It is a shame more of the media did not follow these two warriors into this battle against weather.  It took the dignity, class, and carefully crafted skill honed over years of writing to take on this third rail issue.  This type of super villainy was thought only to reside in the pages of fiction in your children’s comic books.  I think it is safe to say that Browns ownership and President Alec Scheiner did not have any idea who they were dealing with when they decided to come to Cleveland and these reports.  If only Superman had not debuted in 1938, years before either of these real life heroes were born, I would have sworn they would have inspired its creation.

Rest assured Browns fans, they know now and the next time there are flurries in the forecast, they better be ready or these two ink stained stalwarts will be ready and waiting.  Reports have said that upon receiving seeing these complaints about this issue and seeing what they were dealing with from McManamon and Grossi, Scheiner immediately launched plans to address the issue and other potential issues.

Millions of dollars are being invested so that no fan can ever be inconvenienced.  More escalators, mobile walk ways and an intricate system of sherpas so fans will not even need to use their legs when they get to the stadium should they choose.  Fans are in for a surprise when they use restrooms at the stadium next season too.  Understanding that fans have sustained exhaustion from fighting on the front lines and facing off against this nefarious form of precipitation, the Browns will have staff standing by in restrooms to make sure no one overdoes it in there.

When Scheiner was reached for comment, he told Dawg Pound Daily that the Browns are doing everything within their power to make sure that Browns fans are never faced with this type of threat again, but that one issue still keeps him up at night; “Rain.”  Stay tuned to Dawg Pound Daily for any updates on the situation as it continues to develop.