Cleveland Browns: Twas the night before free agency
‘Twas the night before Free Agency, when all thro’ the house,
Not a Cleveland Browns mascot was stirring, not even a bull-mastiff named Swagger;
The Analytics were calculated in Berea with care,
In hopes that new and some old free agents soon would be there;
The Fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Mack, Schwartz, Sanu and Jones danc’d in their heads,
And Dee in her ‘kerchief, and Jimmy in his cap,
Had just settled their finances for a spending attack.
When out in the fieldhouse there arose such a clatter,
Sashi and Paul sprang from their bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window they flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new grass on the field a glow,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the players below;
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But an array of free agents, all ready and prepared,
With experienced veterans, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment to get who they want they must act quick.
More rapid than eagles the free agents all came,
And Jimmy and friends whistled, and shouted, and call’d them by name:
“Now! Mack, now! Schwartz, now! Sanu, and Gipson,
“On! Jones, on! Hali, on! Irving and Benjamin;
“Now sign on the dotted line! at the top of the wall!
“Now sign away! sign away! sign away all!”
As dry ink settles before the pigskin footballs fly,
The players all settle in; and the roster is solidified
So down to the field the coursers they flew,
With the roster full of new players – and Coach Hue too:
And then in a twinkling, they heard on the fieldhouse roof
The stumbling and bumbling of what seemed like an elf.
As Jimmy and friends were stunned by the sound,
Off the roof fell Johnny Manziel drunk and monkeying around:
He was dress’d in a leisure suit, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnish’d with vomit and soot;
A bottle of whiskey was gripped tight in his hand,
And he look’d like a hobo, drunk and disband:
His eyes – how glassy! his clothes tainted with spew,
His breathe smelled like booze, his nose white with some residue;
His droll little mouth was wide open as he laid on the floor,
And the drool on his chin was crusted over as never seen before;
The stump of a cigarette he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head that laid underneath.
He had a scruffy face, and was a little shrimpy for a QB
That scampered out the pocket instead of making his reads:
He was short and skittish, a drunken degenerate self,
And Jimmy and friends laugh’d when they saw him in spite of themselves;
The bloodshot of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them the know that he was not dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And re-fill’d his rocks glass; then turn’d with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, to Jimmy and friends Manziel rose.
He sprung to his feet, to persuade the team to give him another shot,
But Jimmy and friends had enough of the same plot:
I heard Jimmy exclaim as he ushered Johnny out of sight
Hit the bricks Manziel, Browns fans are done with your plight!
Next: A rookie QB needs Mack and Schwartz
The Cleveland Browns will open free agency on March 9 with a little more than $48 million in salary cap space to spend. Follow Dawg Pound Daily for all the latest news on free agency as the Browns work to rebuild their roster.