Cleveland Browns Baker Mayfield: a call that (never) happened.
By Mike Lukas
A call that never happened — but probably should have — between the Cleveland Browns fans and their new quarterback Baker Mayfield
Cleveland Browns No. 1 draft pick Oklahoma University quarterback Baker Mayfield took a conference call last night with a room full of Cleveland.com reporters.
Their questions are all polite and of course Mayfield’s answers are respectfully worded because they’re all professionals and that’s the way it’s done.
Boring.
One look at Browns related social media comments last night and today and it’s obvious quite a few Browns fans are furious about the Mayfield pick. Some say they’re tired of the Browns’ front office acting ‘too smart for the room’ by always picking the disputable choices. Others are even threatening to walk away from the team completely over this one.
It’d be great therapy to give those truly disgruntled Browns fans a chance to talk honestly with Mayfield.
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With that in mind, here is that same conference call with Baker Mayfield, but instead of him talking to a roomful of polite reporters, let’s imagine it’s a room full of those angry Browns fans instead. Maybe this call (that never happenned) can help all those furious Mayfield doubters vent their frustrations and accept this new Browns’ reality.
And be warned, the Baker Mayfield in this (imaginary) phone call gets to tell it like it is.
[The speakerphone rings and then the other end picks up.]
Baker Mayfield: Uh, hello, this is Baker.
(Everyone in the conference room): Boooooooo!
Baker Mayfield: Who is this?
Disgruntled Browns fan #1: Man, why you gotta be so short?
Disgruntled Browns fan #2 (holding a ripped Manziel jersey): Yeah, we don’t trust shorties.
Disgruntled Browns fan #3: How you even gonna see over all them other players?
Baker Mayfield: I don’t know, probably the same way I did in college. Look, disgruntled Browns fans, being quarterback isn’t about size, otherwise your previous quarterbacks would still be there.
(Everyone in the conference room): Ooooooooooh, snap.
Baker Mayfield: It’s about winning, and my last team went 34-6 because I threw 119 touchdowns with only 21 picks.
Disgruntled Browns fan #4: See that, he’s cocky!
Disgruntled Browns fan #2 (still holding up his Manziel jersey): A regular Johnny Football 2.0
Disgruntled Browns fan #5 (filling another cup at the keg): You’re just a party boy ready to get arrested.
Baker Mayfield: Dude, I watched the draft from my house with my family. I live and breathe football first thing in the morning until the time I fall asleep. I made one mistake, I owned it and I’ve been out of trouble ever since.
(Everyone in the conference room mutters and chugs their beer)
Disgruntled Browns fan #6: But you planted an Okie flag on our Ohio State horseshoe!
Disgruntled Browns fan #7: And you taunted your opposition by cupping your junk!
Disgruntled Browns fan #8: You told everyone you’d never sit for a year!
Baker Mayfield: Geezus, guys, it’s called being a competitor. Excuse me for not having a backup’s mentality and for having enough fire and throwing accuracy and ball security to help my teammates win. From the looks of your last couple of seasons, you could use some of that around here.
(Everyone in the conference room): Ooooooooooh, snap again.
Disgruntled Browns fan #9: We wish you was Sam Darnold.
Disgruntled Browns fan #10: Or Saquon Barkley.
Disgruntled Browns fan #11 (Weeping): Or Otto Graham or Jim Brown.
Baker Mayfield: I’m not Darnold or Barkley or Graham or Brown or Manziel so get over it. I’m just Baker Mayfield, a guy who had the two highest-rated college quarterback rating seasons ever. And that was while facing the hardest overall schedules of any quarterback in the draft. I’m not going anywhere, so start getting used to it.
[BEEP]
Baker Mayfield: Hang on, I’ve got another call. [Click] Hello?
Every other Browns fan (cheering): Hey, Baker – welcome to the Browns, man, so glad you’re here! We couldn’t think of a more perfectly suited competitor to get the job done.
Baker Mayfield: Thanks, that’s exactly what I’ve been saying. [Pauses the AFC Central game film he’s been watching this entire time] And by the way, I know I’m not a giant but it’s not like I’m a little person, either. I mean, Brian Sipe was my exact height and he took the Browns to the playoffs back in the…
***
Seriously, though – welcome to Cleveland, Baker Mayfield.
Almost all of us Browns fans are incredibly happy you’re here, and with a few wins, the rest will be, too.