Cleveland Browns: Incoming Bandwagon Browns Fans Alert

After a busy offseason, there are suddenly people jumping onto the bandwagon of the Cleveland Browns. No really, there are.

Heads up, longtime Cleveland Browns fans, there’s a hungry swarm of bandwagoners circling the Dawg Pound lately.

It’s probably a good sign – they must smell a potential winner.

As the Oklahoma Baker Mayfield minions are marching  in from the west, the Buffalo Tyrod Taylor troops are trekking in from the east while the Miami Jarvis Landry lovers are legging it up from the south.

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Some Kansas City John Dorsey devotees are jumping ship for more promising Browns’ waters, and there’re even a few Pittsburgh Todd Haley hounds willing to hop over to the Cleveland side of the AFC Central tracks.

And these sunny-day-supporters are making themselves heard online.

Typical post: “I’m usually a [NFL team name] fan, but now that the Browns got [their homeboy’s name] that’s my team, dog.”

No problem, dawg. Seriously, welcome aboard.

The Browns are currently a 1-31 team (88-216 since 1999 with only one playoff appearance) so if there’s ever a time to begin rooting for them it’s right now.

It’s so much more admirable to adopt a stray kitten after it’s been covered in fleas and motor oil than after it’s already been to the Super Bowl.

And just so you know, this kitten’s no cat just yet.

So don’t expect the Browns 2018 season results to be cat-like, bandwagoners.

You Jimmy-come-lately’s (we don’t say ‘Johnny’ in Cleveland) might not understand how amazing an 8-8 season would be for this team. There’s no glory in that mediocre record unless you’ve endured five or less wins for 14 of the last 19 seasons.

And only one win in the last two, for the love of Dorsey. Longtime Browns fans have had 216 sad Mondays since 1999, so if you’re new to this Browns thing you best learn to appreciate the little things.

Like holding onto the ball. Or the run game. Or players who show up sober.

And just so you know, bandwagoners, longtime Browns fans tend to drink during games.

Don’t be offended if some of them drunkenly call you out for being a newbie who wasn’t there during the difficult times because it’s true, you weren’t. So what. When they’re done with their ‘the-fumble-the-drive-that Modell’ fueled outburst, tell them you want to be a Browns fan because you see an underdog that’s ready to be a top dog. Except say ‘underdawg’ and ‘top dawg’ and bark loudly three times and then buy them all a round.

Do that and you’ll fit right in, dawg.

And here’s a few other helpful hints to get you started, Browns bandwagoners.

• Never mock the orange helmets, their lack of a logo or the team name.
• Never rub your fingers together above your shoulders like you’re ‘making da money’.
• Do not call for Baker Mayfield to start unless Taylor and Drew Stanton are entirely broken.
• If it’s the fourth quarter and the Browns are ahead, don’t assume they’re going to win.
• If you see a live game at the home stadium, layer up.
• Know the team used to be really good before most of us were born.
• Historic Browns Names to Google: Graham, Brown, Thomas, Pruitt, Kosar, Sipe, Mack, Newsome, Alzado, Sashi and Groza for starters.
• The Pittsburgh Steelers suck donkey stones, no matter what.

Let’s be honest, bandwagoners, you’re switching to the Browns because for the first time in a long time they’ve had a killer offseason. Their front office has stuck to their five-year commitment to turn this team around and by Dorsey they look damn good doing it. The 2018 season is year-three of this painful operation, and supposedly, it’s the part of the plan that involves wins.

So excuse the longtime Browns fans if they resent being joined at this point in the game.

They’ve had to stay seated and silent up to now because there’s been very little to cheer about so understand it’s a bit weird to see a roomful of new faces attempting to join in. But please do join in, if you like. Latch on now and be able to say you went all-in on a 1-31 team because you knew something special was about to happen.

Because it is.

Nothing wrong with backing a winner when you smell one, as long as you understand what you’re getting into. This won’t be a quick run up to the peak, dawg. We’re only at Base Camp 2 and there’s still a lot more climbing to go. And frozen bodies to step over.

Make no mistake, though – the Browns are destined for the Super Bowl, or at least that’s the plan, by Dorsey, so feel free to stick around for the whole ride.

But as the longtimers will tell you, it’s gonna get bumpy along the way.

Next: ow Jarvis Landry will help Josh Gordon

And for true Browns fans, dawg, that’s half the fun.