At first, we thought it was just Baker Mayfield that was the apple of Colin’s eye. But if our Mama’s taught us correctly, Colin Cowherd has it bad for the Cleveland Browns.
It started out innocently enough between Colin Cowherd and the Cleveland Browns. He teased Baker Mayfield. Called him undraftable. We didn’t think much of it because Baker can be misunderstood as the bad boy. Fortunately, John Dorsey wasn’t paralyzed by the sting of our unrequited love of Johnny Manziel and he drafted Baker.
Baker preceded to go on Colin’s program and tell Colin firmly that he just wanted to be friends. Maybe if Colin was ever in Cleveland they could hang out and have a Bud Light. Baker does have the keys to the fridge.
We thought that was the end of it. Particularly after the Browns went 7-8-1 and our undraftable quarterback set an NFL rookie record for touchdown passes.
But then this happened.
And now, after the schedule got released, we got this.
I have to admit. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. But then I remember something my Mom told me, “when boys tease girls, it’s because they like them.”
Just like that, it all made sense. Colin Cowherd has a crush on the Cleveland Browns. He can’t quit us no matter how much he wants to.
To be honest, it’s flattering. I mean any publicity is good publicity. Colin knows this and I’m sure he’ll feel flattered that we’re taking time to write about him. But I assure you this is the last time for me. I think I speak for the whole city when I say it’s best we just be friends.
You see, Colin you’ve told your audience (quite often) that you’ve moved across the country several times. But it’s clear you’re a West Coast guy and we’re a Midwest kind of city. Long distance romances rarely work out. But still, we might be willing to give it a whirl, except …
…you have a thing for Sam Darnold. And maybe there’s still unfinished business with Tom Brady.
I mean we could overlook it. Sam is cute and all. But the thing is Colin, we are over the moon for Baker Mayfield. We’ve been hurt so many times. And Baker just … gets us. We know he’s a little dangerous, but if you took the time to get to know him we think you’d like him. But no pressure.
The thing is Colin, we’re just too different. You have LeBron over in L.A. now. Let that be enough. You can get your Cleveland (or Akron) fix by going to the Staples Center. In the meantime, we’d really, really appreciate it if you would just let us enjoy our season in peace. Because you weren’t there for us when things were at our worst, so you don’t get us when we’re going to be at our best.
I don’t want us to part on bad terms. You’re funny and smart. I’m sure you’ll find a quarterback and a city that will return the affection you obviously have for the Browns. It’s not you. It’s us.