3 Types of Cleveland Browns fans

Having faith in the oft-struggling Cleveland Browns creates distinct types of fans, so for your amusement we break down three of them in far too much detail.

Throughout my years of attempting to write humorously on our beloved Cleveland Browns, the various comments I’ve gratefully received have taught me that there are at least three distinct types of Browns fans.

I sincerely respect and enjoy them equally and have affectionately given them names. There’s the Overboard Optimists, the Pissy Pessimists and the Reluctant Realists.

Allow me to further explain each category and maybe you’ll recognize which one YOU might be at the moment.

3 Major Types of Browns Fans

1) OVERBOARD OPTIMISTS (the OO’s)

The OO’s look at every Browns’ story, acquisition, departure, hiring, firing, win and loss as the best news possible and a certain pathway to the Big Game in February.

OO Philosophy: Regardless of the news, the OO’s somehow tap into their mysterious and endless reservoir of positivity and eternal hope to see the Browns’ metaphorical glass as not only half full but always bubbling over the top like someone threw a few hundred Mentos into it.

OO Style: The OO’s opinion on every Browns news item typically starts with: “Okay, here’s why that’s a good thing…” followed by a logic train from that situation directly to the Super Bowl.

Example of a typical OO take: (on Johnny Manziel being drafted) “Okay, here’s why that’s a good thing, the kid’s cocky, sure, and he likes to drink and do drugs and blow off studying the playbook and conditioning, but put him in the game and he’ll find a way to scramble and get the ball to his receivers every time for the win, and you string enough of those together and boom, you’re playing football in January and then just let Johnny Football do the rest until he’s holding that Lombardi Trophy high. Literally!”

2) PISSY PESSIMISTS (the PP’s).

The PP’s look at Browns moments and explain why, once again, the Browns have totally failed to be even remotely smart and are doomed to be losers forever more, which could have been completely avoided had the team followed the PP’s hind-sighted advice.

PP Philosophy: Deep down, the PP loves the Browns but is furious at being repeatedly burned by the their futile attempts at being decent. The PP sees the Browns’ glass as not only forever half empty, but also cracked and shattered to the point that it’s constantly leaking on the nice wooden floor and ruining it despite the high quality of the liquid being poured.

PP Style: Their opinion on every Browns news item typically starts with: “There they go again…” and ends with a ridiculous and cynical conclusion and the phrase, “Ugh, so typical.”

Example of a PP take: (on the drafting of future Hall of Famer Joe Thomas) “There they go again, the Browns had the third overall pick, coulda had Adrian Peterson, coulda had MARSHAWN BEAST MODE LYNCH, but as usual instead of listening to me they grab a lineman and guess what? With Joe Thomas the Browns have never ever gone to the playoffs. Coincidence? Ugh, so typical.”

3) RELUCTANT REALISTS (the RR’s)

The RR’s have at one time been down both of those other two more extreme paths, but now they reluctantly accept that what’s probably true in most cases is somewhere down the middle. But their sarcastic suggestions including hashtags to those other two more excitable fan types tend infuriate them instead of calm the wavy waters.

RR Philosophy: Don’t misunderstand, the RR is no Browns Buddha. This fan’s just tired of getting overly worked up about things either way and knows regardless of how they react it’ll go the way it goes. So, as a result, RR’s don’t see the Browns’ glass as half full OR half empty, but as made of thick orange and brown plastic that hides whatever’s inside at the moment.

RR Style: Their opinion on every Browns news story typically starts with: “Okay, let’s take a deep breath here and see how this plays out…” and usually ends with a sarcastic call to action #includingahashtag that tends to totally inflame the other two fan types.

Example of an RR take: (on the hiring of Freddie Kitchens as Browns head coach) “Okay, let’s take a deep breath here and see how this plays out. Sure, Freddie has never been a head coach or even a coordinator for a full season and he looks and often acts like a guy who’d rather be adjusting a carburetor or eating craw-fish, but the players love him and will do anything for him so let’s give him a chance. Feel free to fax him your personal strategies if you think you can do better.” #YouCant.

Which type of Browns fan are YOU?

I’ll go first – I’ve truthfully been all three. Started out as an OO, then slowly became a PP, and now I do my best to RR the F out of the CB’s. #.

If you’re still unclear as to which type you are, I’ll offer up a couple of more current examples of all three to help you decide.

On selecting a tackle in the first-round of the upcoming draft:

OO’s Take: “Okay, here’s why that’s a good thing…Baker needs protection to do what he does, this gives it to him, then he finally starts hitting his targets again and BAM, here’s comes the first ever Browns Super Bowl!”

PP’s Take: “There they go again…they just got the tackle they needed, Jack Conklin, in free agency, but instead of selecting a future secondary-superstar who’s still available, like Simmons or Okudah, these idiots’ll snag a clueless rookie tackle who probably won’t even play this year and here comes another 5-11 season. Ugh, so typical.”

RR’s Take: “Okay, let’s take a deep breath here and see how this plays out…better protection equals better Baker and bigger holes for Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt. Feel free to text your superior draft picks to the front office in the next two weeks. #YouWont”

On hiring the twelfth head coach since the Browns’ return to the league in 1999:

OO’s Take: “Okay, here’s why that’s a good thing…shows the front office isn’t afraid to admit they can do better, and they have done better this time with Stefanski. He’ll get these boys playing football in January and in their first ever Super Bowl! Woof woof!”

PP’s Take: “There they go again…throwing darts into the wind on yet another inexperienced newbie. Get ready to watch the same ol’ same ol’ – refusing to hire someone with experience –pull Bill Cowher or John Madden out of retirement, but no, you’d rather go 5-11 and miss the postseason again. Ugh, so typical.”

RR’s Take: “Okay, let’s take a deep breath here and give Stefanski and Berry a chance, they’ve done well so far. Guess you could hold an “I could do better” parade and march it through Berea.” #LayerUPfool

On Baker Mayfield suffering a sophomore slump:

OO’s Take: “Get ready for the old Baker to return and take the Browns to the Super Bowl!”

PP’s Take: “Flash in the pan. Wasted pick. Shoulda picked Rosen, he woulda got the job done. So typical.”

RR’s Take: “You see Baker’s quarantine workout pics? Post yours next to his, dare you.” #YoureFlabbyToo

On how the Browns will do in 2020:

OO’s Take: “Super Bowl!”

PP’s Take: “3-14 if the league adds a game, 4-13 if they stay healthy. Typical”

RR Take: “Go Browns!” #thistimeFORSUREmaybe

3 Types of Cleveland Browns fans – which one are you?