To be safe, we all need to stay inside this Easter weekend, but that doesn’t mean Cleveland Browns fans shouldn’t get to experience the thrill of an egg hunt, so here we provide a virtual Browns-themed version. Enjoy.
It’s about to be Easter, Browns fans, but with this necessary (yet sucky) 6-foot social distancing rule in effect, it will be impossible for you and your fam to get in some decent egg hunts this weekend.
Tough loss. It’s a blast scrambling with your kids around someone’s backyard or a Church side lot searching for all those slightly hidden colorful plastic eggs filled with treasure, like candy and coins (and chocolate pudding, if it’s done right).
Thought maybe I could shift this into a partial-win by providing you loyal DPD readers with a simulated egg hunt, Cleveland Browns style. I’ll walk you through it as best I can as we tour the city of Cleveland searching for a Baker’s dozen orange, brown and white virtual plastic eggs, each filled with a tasty bit of Browns-related treasure.
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Safety Note: Please keep in mind the following egg hunt is just pretend – it includes depictions of humans doing old fashioned activities now deemed unsafe, like “gathering” and “breathing” in groups of more than one. Until further notice, do not, as they say, try it f’reals.
Have fun, and you big kids, don’t hog all the eggs – let the little ones go first!
This Browns-themed Egg Hunt begins as we fly Google Maps style above and around the beautiful city of Cleveland.
Browns Egg #1: We immediately spot a tiny orange egg on the observation deck of the Terminal Tower, which we zoom down and snag right out of the hands of some big dude puffing a Virginia Slim, which makes him spill his white wine spritzer all over his brand new Steelers jersey.
Pop open the egg – oh sweet, check it out, the Browns just gave a sneak peak of the new uni’s on Twitter. If you ask me, those uniforms look totally [INSERT YOUR OPINION HERE].
Browns Egg #2: We’re free-flying due north now towards the shores of Lake Erie and below us we spot the USS COD, shamefully the only vessel of the United States Navy to be named for the world’s most important food fish. True story.
Pop open the egg – nice, looks like Nathan Zegura is side-stepping the quarantine by doing a cool Browns interview series called “Working from Home” where, from a safe and sneeze-proof distance, he talks with guys like cornerback Denzel Ward, linebacker Mack Wilson, receiver Jarvis Landry and more.
Browns Egg #3: We’re still flying high near the water when a tiny orange and brown speckled egg catches our eye. It’s on the top deck of the Goodtime III on the Cuyahoga River where drunk tourists from Columbus are singing polka favorites in German.
Pop open the egg: It’s an FYI that says, “Stop calling the Cleveland Browns team colors orange and brown. They’re officially seal brown, burnt orange, and white.” Apologies, and noted. Though at least I did get one of those three colors right.
Browns Egg #4: Get ready, gamblers, this next egg is behind the third slot machine to the left at JACK Cleveland Casino, but it’s not easy to get to because a sweet elderly Karen who’s been playing that machine for the last seventeen hours just bit our forearm for reaching.
Pop open the egg: It’s a shirtless Tweet of Baker Mayfield doing old school garage workouts! Looking good, #6 – scroll lower in that same feed to see how Big “Bigger” Ben now compares.
Browns Egg #5: Look! There’s a seal brown egg in the gorilla cage at the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo. Hurry, grab it before the lovely Fredrika and Kebi think you’re their new “mate.” (Wink wink. RUN!!!)
Pop open the egg: Speaking of getting ‘productive,’ it’s a tiny picture of Browns new tight end Austin Hooper, 5th most productive at his position last season (75 catches, 6 TDs) and 4th most productive the year before (71 receptions and 4 TDs). RUN!!!
Browns Egg #6: On a quick side trip to the now-infamous “A Christmas Story” house where Ralphie almost shot his eye out with his own BB gun, we spot a pure white plastic egg on the porch.
Pop open the egg: It’s great news – the award-winning online series Building the Browns is BACK! Like the sexy fishnet-stocking-clad-leg-lamp in Ralphie’s front window, BtB episode one does not disappoint.
Browns Egg #7: At the Cleveland Museum of Art, we distract the security guard by yelling, “The new NFL CBA has good points and bad on both sides!” and then pluck the burnt orange egg from behind Monet’s “Water Lilies.”
Pop open the egg: It’s a Didja Know – Browns center J.C. Tretter is a 6-4, 307-pound Cornell Ivy Leaguer who studied in their School of Industrial Labor Relations and is now the NFLPA president.
Browns Egg #8: At Cleveland’s infamous West Side Market there’s a plastic white egg in a bin full of real ones that takes us a few broken tries to pick out.
Pop open the egg: Another Didja Know – At 32-years old, Browns new general manager Andrew Berry is the youngest known general manager in NFL history and Kevin Stefanski, at 37, is the second-youngest head coach in the league. Those two “kids” are having a helluva offseason (so far).
Browns Egg #9: Under the giant white cursive “Cleveland” sign (there’s three of them in the city, pick your favorite) is a plastic egg the size of a human head.
Pop open the egg: It’s a Cleveland Browns draft hat. Wait, hold up. Browns gotta draft hat? Take. Muh. Money.
Browns Egg #10: Take off those Browns draft hats please, we’re now on Cleveland’s east side snagging an egg at the James A. Garfield Monument.
Pop open the egg: It’s a quick reminder that many Browns players are being generous with their money and time as COVID-19 responders. Hats off to you, gentlemen, and all the good and brave women and men in the world stepping up right now. Sincere thanks for doing the right thing.
Browns Egg #11: Rolling down the humongous glass triangle of Cleveland’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is a giant half-orange, half-brown plastic egg knocking birds and lost squirrels out of its way.
Pop open the egg: Another Didja Know – Browns employed zero fullbacks last season, now they have two, Andy Janovich and Johnny Stanton. Oo boy, wonder what Stefanski’s cooking up that requires extra blocking…RUN!!!
Browns Egg #12: Atop the gigantic blood-red “FREE” stamp in Willard Park there’s a dark brown egg balancing all by itself.
Pop open the egg: Gah dangit! GROSS!!! That better be freakin’ chocolate pudding, I’m serious.
Browns Egg #13: Take a look downwards as we fly over the empty Browns’ FirstEnergy Stadium, because dead center on the fifty-yard line sits the final egg of the hunt.
Pop open the egg: It’s good news – according to ESPN’s “First Take” host Mike Greenberg, Baker Mayfield still has “some magic” in him. Well, no duh, Greeny. Now Abracadabra, Baker – make sub-500 seasons in Cleveland disappear.
Safe hunting, always, Browns fans.