5 new hires that may (or may not) help the Cleveland Browns in 2020

The Cleveland Browns are reforming at the top (again), so here are five new hires that may (or may not) be the answer to what’s been holding them back.

Well, here we go again, Browns fans, another head coach and front office change in Cleveland.

Same old story inside the Haslam House of Horrors.

For serious and excellent coverage of this frustrating topic, check out DPD’s Background on every reported Cleveland Browns head coach candidate.

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For those who could use a quick break from all that, here are a few not-so-serious suggestions.

With a change in head coach and general manager comes an entirely new staff, so I’d like to take a moment to suggest a few new job postings that just might help the Cleveland Browns fix some of what ails them.

This team has all the talent in the world, but they could use a little extra help to start turning things around. The following additions to the Browns’ general staff could be the answer.

New Hire #1: Social Media Deleter – one of the more embarrassing distractions last year was all the social media yapping done by certain Cleveland Browns players. Since sounding arrogant while compiling a sub .500 record is a bad look, the Social Media Deleter would monitor all Browns player’s social media accounts and delete any outgoing posts that contain false bravado, unfounded cockiness, name-calling and /or direct references to Colin Cowherd. Of course, all social media privileges would be instantly restored the moment the Lombardi Trophy finds itself in Cleveland.

New Hire #2: Anger Management Manager – football is a brutal sport played by A-type personalities, so there are going to be moments of fury where a player might be tempted to strike a big-headed, loud-mouthed opponent in the dome with whatever he might be holding. The Anger Management Manager’s job would be to prevent those moments from escalating by yelling the exact dollar amount that player stands to lose by acting out.

For example, “Hey, Flash, that’s a $1.139 million helmet you ‘bout ta swang!”

New Hire #3: Penalty Penalizers – Only three NFL teams chalked up more penalties per game than the Cleveland Browns did last season, and those flags killed a lot of their big plays and meaningful drives. The job of the Penalty Penalizers would be to toilet paper the house of every player who commits a penalty during the game. Commit more than one penalty and your toilet papered house gets the hose.

New Hire #4: Shyte Talk Listener – on more than one occasion last season, a Browns player received a penalty for ‘talking shyte’ after making a good play, thereby reversing whatever good came of it. Apparently, gloaters gotta gloat, so the job of the Shyte Talk Listener would be to hear ‘em out, but on the sidelines and away from the cameras. And refs.

New Hire #5: The Baker Remaker – for whatever reason, Baker Mayfield, one of the league’s brightest and strongest-armed young quarterbacks struggled last season. It would be the Baker Remaker’s job to spend the offseason reminding Mayfield of just how good he is. Watch old film from Oklahoma with him and from the second half of the 2018 season. And that first Ravens game in 2019. Help him shave off the porn mustache and grow back his win-beard. Remind him that he’s the chosen one who’s supposed to save the Cleveland Browns.

Whomever the Cleveland Browns bring in next to lead, let’s hope they figure out how to fix what ails them. Because if it’s not about talent (and it isn’t), then it’s about something way tougher to pinpoint and fix.

This Haslam House of Horrors needs help.